Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Operation Purity has been aborted
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.