Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
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I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.