I haven't been this sober since birth.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?