i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
