i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
