"it" just moved
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
