imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
