the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
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