I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
