I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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