Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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