i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".