Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
