If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
