im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
