did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
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Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
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He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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