Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
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