Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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