Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
