I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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