He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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