I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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