I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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