I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
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Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
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I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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