My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Dignity is for republicans.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
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bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
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I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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