some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
