4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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