toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
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KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?