Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.