Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles