An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
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She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
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Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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