There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if only i could text you this smell
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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