apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
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I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
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Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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