i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
