I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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