i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.