I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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