Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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