I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
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