when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
