She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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