We named our party play list daddy issues
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
