drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I still have a little drunk in my system
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
