my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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