Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!