you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
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Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
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On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.