Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK