my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.