I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
