4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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