If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My dick has a subreddit
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
