it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i am craving dick and cupcakes