so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.