Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
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No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
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At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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