see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
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he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
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So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt