I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.