i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
