you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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